Broken Mother

Friday, November 2, 2007

Late

FUCK!

I just checked my bank statement online and when I saw it, my heart plummeted. There was $600 in the account. There shouldn't be $600, there should only be $200. I calculated everything just right so that we could get through next week to Friday's paycheck with enough for gas money only. I was afraid to click on the "history" button, because I knew what I was going to see.

Our mortgage payment bounced.

Fuck!

Two months ago, I set up a payment plan with a collector on a credit card that I had with my mom. The problem was that the card is only in my mom's name and I'm just an "authorized signor". When I received the letter from the collection company, addressed to my mom, I knew I had to fix things before it got any further and my mom was notified. Or sued. So, I scheduled six monthly payments so that I could avoid involving my mother.

Last week, I spoke with the person handling my account. I told him that we were anticipating a nice check at the end of November and that if he could hold off on October's payment, I could pay him double at the end of the month and possibly settle it in full. He was agreeable and I left the conversation feeling like there was one good person out of a bunch of vultures.

This morning, when I checked my bank account, I was only checking to see that the mortgage payment had cleared and that my measly $200 allowance in gas money was safe and sound. When I discovered that the jackass has rescinded on his word (but who can blame him? I rescinded on my word to repay the credit card debt!), I instantly stopped breathing. My chest became tight and my eyes burned. I called J.

When we first secured the mortgage two years ago, we needed a co-signer to get the loan. That person was his father. We accepted his assistance on his instruction that we notify him if we ever have any trouble paying the mortgage, so that no late payments were reflected on his credit report. It's been late twice in the past four months. The first time it was only two days late, but in the whole scheme of things, it didn't matter. It was late. Technically it was 32 days late, but they give you a 30 day grace period. Now, I know I can't pay them until the end of November. I was planning on making a double payment anyway, in order to take advantage of the big check and get ahead just one month.

God, what do I do? I'm at the end of my rope! My nerves are shot! I'm sitting in my office, crying on and off and I'm sure that my secretary is starting to wonder what is wrong with me. I don't know what to do anymore. I have avoided borrowing from friends and family and I have exhausted all my payday loan options. I don't know what to do anymore. I give up.

Labels: credit report, hopeless, mortgage

posted by Broken Mother @ 6:59 AM 3 comments

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back.

So, it's been almost a month. We're down to one car. At the end of last month, we received a large comission check. You'd think we'd save a portion of it or maybe get a beater for a car, so I don't have to load the kids in the car every evening to pick J up from work. You'd think that, right? But you're wrong.

In fairness to us, I spent a lot of it trying to catch up. I spent another bunch of it paying back payday advance loans. But I was also careless. We went out to dinner a few times. Not to anywhere special, really just places like Don Pablos or Red Robin. The thing is, when you just had your car repossessed and you have spent the last three months without hot water, maybe the best thing to do isn't going out to dinner to celebrate?

Speaking of that, we did get our heat turned back on. Just in time, because it's starting to get cold.

Anyway, this month, we are only getting a $300 commission check. I'm going to be scrambling again to make the mortgage payment. It's feast or famine around here and I'm not the financial whiz that can weather the storm of a bad month. You see, next month we'll get a $10,0000.00 commission check. This is not including our regular pay of $2,000 at the end of the month. We'll be riding high and I'm sure everyone will receive wonderful Christmas presents and we'll celebrate with a night on the town.

I'm so tired of this!! One month, we're just fine and the next month we're stringing together payday loans and bottle returns just to ensure we don't miss a home payment. And don't get me started on the fact that our mortgage will readjust in January. I'm so fearful that we don't even know yet how bad it's going to get.

I keep telling J that if we had two straight months of good checks, I could build a bit of a padding to keep us ahead. God, I hope that happens soon.

Labels: bills, getting by

posted by Broken Mother @ 3:02 PM 2 comments

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Small steps

Yesterday, I scheduled an appointment with a credit counselor. I feel better after having made this first step, and at the same time I am furious with myself for letting it get so far. I know that I need to look forward and concentrate on making things right again, but it is so hard to think about what could have been, had I faced reality and taken charge of our finances.

The questions that were asked of me in the preliminary interview shamed me. I had no solid answers for her, I couldn't tell her what state my financial life is in. I just knew that I needed help. I could only give her a ballpark amount for our income and our debt. I couldn't begin to pinpoint what our monthly expenses are. Probably not a good sign, huh?

This morning I pulled J's credit report and mine as well. I pulled his first because I was terrified to see what mine said. I haven't had a chance to fully review it and I was actually afraid to forward it to him, for fear that it would send him into a panic. I think it's bad, but there is also good credit on there too. I am going to look at it more thoroughly with him later this evening and go about disputing some of the charges, in the hopes that I can get it cleaned up a little bit. Every bit helps, right?

Labels: credit report, progress

posted by Broken Mother @ 9:14 AM 1 comments

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Big B

J is going nuts.

I've been warning him but the repossession finally opened his eyes. The thing is that I need him not to go nuts. I need him totally and completely focused on his job, so that he can get the deals and make the money that will get us out of this. It's why I've been keeping him out of it for so long.

He wants to file bankruptcy. He wants me to look into it, ask my friends, see if we qualify. I haven't done a Chapter 7 or 13 in years and so I don't know what all of the requirements are now. And I don't want to do it. I don't want to stand in front of a judge, embarrassed and exposed. I don't want my friends to run into me in court or to run across my name on a docket. And I don't want to just give up.

I'm looking into credit counseling. I've gone to the Trustee's site to find someone local that might be able to help us.

I wish I could talk to someone who is going through the same things that we are. No one knows. I'd like to keep it that way, but I need to know that there is a way out.

Labels: hopeless, J

posted by Broken Mother @ 8:44 AM 0 comments

Possession

His car was repossessed yesterday. Thankfully, he had woken up yesterday morning and decided to take a mental health day with the girls, otherwise there would have been a scene at his office.

We tried talking to the company, to tell them that he is getting a huge commission check on Friday and that we'll have it all taken care of by then. They said that we should have called them sooner, that it didn't need to come to this. So, we have to wait until the check is deposited on Friday to get it.

We carpooled today and he joked about how we're saving on gas and I get to nap on the way to work. We lied to my parents and said that his car was in the shop, that's why we were carpooling.

I hate this. I'm embarrassed. I asked him if any of our neighbors were outside when it happened. He said that there was no one around but if they were, they'd just see that we were having car trouble and had to have it towed.

This weekend, we saw a house in our neighborhood that was just foreclosed on. It was a bit of a shock, because our neighborhood is not one that you would think would have problems like this. The tree-lined streets, the kids in their bikes, the well manicured lawns...it's so peaceful and quiet and one of the many reasons why we fell in love with this place. The American dream. Crumbling right before our eyes.

Labels: debt, repossession

posted by Broken Mother @ 6:03 AM 0 comments

Friday, September 21, 2007

What he doesn't know...

He's the one that has to save us. He knows that and I know that. So, I try to put as little stress on him as possible. I try to make life at home seem easy, make it a haven for him after his 13 hour day.

It doesn't work so well when the heat is shut off and we don't get garbage service anymore.

He tried to call me last night to let me know he was going to be a bit late. He couldn't because his phone has been shut off.

It's become more and more difficult to keep the severity of our problems from him.

He still doesn't know how many payday advance companies we owe. That I borrow from them to pay our bills and then when our checks are deposited, they disappear just as quickly to pay the vultures. It's a neverending cycle, or so it seems, for the past two years.

We tell each other that life will be good soon, that at least we have each other and this solid foundation and that because of this, nothing will get so bad that we can't handle it.

I am beginning to not believe anymore.

Labels: bills, debt, J, vultures

posted by Broken Mother @ 7:19 AM 0 comments

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